Welcome to the March Mindful Mama Carnival: Mindful Mama Challenge
This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have challenges they’ve set for themselves toward becoming more mindful. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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My approach to unschooling my children has given me plenty of opportunity to unschool and deschool myself. I believe in becoming constantly more self-aware and in conducting myself–even my very mundane day-to-day activities–with intention and meaning.
One area where I’ve struggled to deschool myself is in using words that are essentially meaningless or that imply disinterest and disengagement. So common and pervasive are these expressions that it is easy to forget how truly powerful our words are. I’ve had to teach myself to say what I really mean and to use words that demonstrate my true intentions. Intentions are simply values, and I know that I want my thoughts, words and actions to be an accurate reflection of my values.
So what are my values? Peace. Authenticity. Kindness. Openness. Joy. Trust.
So I’ve decided to stop using certain common expressions in my day-to-day life. I want my words to be a better reflection of what I believe and I want to model for my children that I know how to express what I am really thinking and who I really am and what I am really about.
Here’s what I’m eliminating:
- I don’t care. This has been my regular response to a multitude of questions ranging from “Mom, can we have ice cream?” to “Do you want me to make tea?” It implies a disinterest in my self and in my relationships. When an question can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, then at the very least I will stick with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But I will consciously aim for a real response like ‘That would be lovely’ or ‘Would you prefer now or later?’
- It doesn’t matter. Really, Patti? Things don’t matter? Well, sometimes there are things that don’t matter, like “Mom, should I wear red socks or yellow?” But if someone is asking me a question, they are expecting a real answer to something that matters to them. They deserve a respectful answer. Similarly, if something should happen that is of no consequence to me, such as a broken plate, I will try to respond to the situation with something positive, such as ‘Oh, well. Good thing we have lots of other plates. Mistakes happen sometimes and people are more important than things.’
- It’s up to you. A better answer would be “I trust you to make the best choice for you.”
- Whatever. Will you let me be ashamed of how often I say this? No more. It is so dismissive and condescending. My intention for my relationships is to show that I am engaged and open, and the use of ‘whatever’, even in response to forgetting my own sunglasses or being late for an appointment implies that I am not fully accepting myself. I must use better intention in my relationship with my own spirit and treat myself with respect, too.
- I can’t. Until recently, my negative self-talk had me believing that everything was always hard and that I didn’t deserve to have anything turn out well. No more! I am on a new positive streak where happiness, success and peace are always attainable. Life is too short and too good to be stuck in negativity anymore. I CAN, and I WILL. Life is happening FOR me, not TO me.
- We’ll see. I think my children need a more definite answer about decisions I have to make. A better answer would be “I need to think about what will be best for all of us before I decide. What do you think?”
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
This quote has been attributed to Ghandi and to Lao-Tze. I don’t know who said it first, but I believe it.
I want my words and actions to match my thoughts and beliefs. And as I work to make this change on a physical level, I am also working to change on a mental level and on a spiritual level. I want to model for my children that I can live in my actions in a way that deeply reflects my thoughts and beliefs. I want my children to have a peaceful, intentional mother, not a mother who is flippant or unconscious. It is sometimes a struggle to make a match between who I am on the inside and who I am on the outside. But it is an area of mindfulness that is worth the challenge.
Do you have expressions that you need to strike from your vocabulary?
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Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- The Importance of a Moment Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama reflects on the need to slow down and breathe in life instead of rushing from one moment to the next.
- Mindful Playing With My Daughters Rani at Om She Said looked at her girls and realized that more than anything they wanted her right there next to them, playing, laughing, creating, and having fun; that’s exactly what she did!
- Watch Your Words Patti at Canadian Unschooler challenges herself to make her words a reflection of her intentions.
- The Mindful Benefits of Knitting Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares how knitting has helped lift her out of depression and has given her a new form of meditation.
- Self Compassion: How Thinking About Bad Experiences Can Make You Happier and More Compassionate CJ at Imperfect Happiness challenges herself to be more compassionate…with herself.
- Calming the Home Environment by Selecting Traditional Toys Sam at Love Parenting discusses the benefits of natural toys.
- Quieting my Infernal Inner Ramblings Tree at Mom Grooves writes about her commitment to get out of her head and into the moment with her daughter and husband.
- Changing Our Everyday The Aniweda Dream is sizing up the changes they’ve made by moving across the country and looking at how to make their lives more mindful as a family.
- A Mindful Cup of Tea Amy at The Daily Muttering tells how she’s trying to regain control of her life with the chaos of 3 kids thanks to the introduction of a simple daily ritual.
- Mindful Mama Moontime Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares how becoming conscious of her moon time has helped her find balance in herself as a woman, and a mama.
- Speaking to the Need Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares how she tries to stay mindful of her preschooler’s needs.
- Going Within Amy at Anktangle describes a centering practice she’s been being more intentional about lately, and which she has come to realize is a precious gift in her life.
- Waking Up With Meditation Amy at PresenceParents shares how awakening with presence carries her through the day.
- Mindful Meditations Zoie at TouchstoneZ explores six weeks of seated meditation and discovers some things she doesn’t expect.
- Mindfulness in the Kitchen – an Everyday Challenge Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she’s been challenging herself to involve more mindfulness in everyday tasks – especially in the area of cooking for her family.
How truly important this is!
I still remember as a child hearing “Go ask your dad” or “Maybe” (with no clear answer ever given) and how very frustrating that was. There are definitely phrases I could be more careful of – especially discouraging words like “It figures” or “With my luck…”
Thank you for the great challenge and reminder!
Aaaah, yes, the negative expressions…I probably should have included a few of those! I hear myself saying “I should have known this would happen”, as if I can predict the future. You are right about eliminating the discouraging words, too.
“One area where I’ve struggled to deschool myself is in using words that are essentially meaningless or that imply disinterest and disengagement.”
Oh my how I know this to be true!!!! It is a constant battle between what I am thinking and what I allow myself to actually put into words. “It doesn’t matter” is a big one for me. EVERYTHING matters even if you do not think it does. I do not want to pass this concept along to my daughter. I want her to know that every little thing matters greatly. The smallest decision has the greatest impact.
I’m guilty of saying “hold on” and “just a second” and my personal favorite “in a little bit.” All of these mean “no” when it comes down to it. So why not just explain why we cannot do something instead of giving the person I am talking to hope that we can.
Great post…very thought provoking. Words matter greatly. We all need to be reminded of that!
I am also becoming more aware of all my ‘NO’s. Is that ‘NO’ even coming from me sometimes, or is it just a fast reaction or something I’m reiterating because I know other people would say ‘NO’ in that circumstance?
Thank you for this post, Patti. I have to say that I fall back on these whenever I feel tired or overwhelmed. I get into a mode of feeling “put upon” and act in a way that, perversely, created greater disconnection. If I don’t notice quickly and change my words to be more intentional and respectful, inevitably there’s a meltdown (either the kids or me.) And I adore that quote. It can be difficult to live up to, at times, but helpful for getting back on track.
Thank you for participating in the Mindful Mama Carnival this month!
Yes, above all, strive to put the connection FIRST. It is not always simple, that’s for sure! I am learning to breath deeply before I speak, thus helping to break the patterns of disconnect that are so fast on my tongue otherwise.
I am guilty of using “whatever,” particularly with my husband when something he says or does annoys me. You are right, it is dismissive and condesending. What I typically mean when I say “whatever” is “I don’t like this, it bothers me a lot, but I don’t want to get into a long discussion about it right now”. Why not just say that if that is what I mean? Great post. Thanks!
Yes, yes! You are so right–our words with our partners are just as important as our words with our children. It is a constant lesson to me to be less critical with my partner and to speak to him with the same respect that I try to give to my children. Thanks for mentioning that.
“I trust you to make the best choice for you.”
I love this one!! I catch myself saying “whatever you want” or “it’s up to you” quite a bit, but this so much better. Great food for thought!
We’ve definitely tried to be super conscious of things like this. I’ve managed to resist I don’t care and whatever (though they come to my mind so often…)
The one I really had to bite my tongue on was “you’re killing me!” or “you’re driving me crazy.”
Mostly when she was really little and I was even more sleep deprived. I never did say them.
Now, she ALWAYS calls me out on my toughest ones to eradicate “duh” and “dumb”. I only say them about myself. When I forget something or don’t do it … I go to “duh” to describe myself so easily.
This is a wonderful reminder.
I love that quote! And I am inspired by these actions….I find myself falling under the same mundane, useless words and need to focus on what I AM saying. Thanks for this!
I absolutely agree with this idea. I used to be very efficient at this when my youngest daughter was an only child but somewhere along the way I became lazy with my communication and I have found myself saying things I don’t mean way too often. I think I still do pretty good, considering how much effort I put into it years ago, but now that my oldest daughter is almost 5 I think she needs me to model better communication even more than ever. I really could have put this down as my challenge, but I guess I had different things on my mind…however I will keep this in mind and try to focus on become more articulate when I can, and I’d love to see if you follow up on any conversations in your quest to fulfill this challenge.
I am eliminating “why don’t you…”. It can imply “why haven’t you already?”. It just seems negative on a lot of levels. Opinions?