Welcome to the Fabulous Hybrid Blog Carnival. Our topic this spring is Change! This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Blog Carnival hosted by The Fabulous Mama Chronicles and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on change in all of its many forms. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
******
You know how whenever you have an awful moment in parenting–you yelled instead of consoled, you rushed instead of listened, you served hotdogs instead of cauliflower–you beat yourself up and vow to do better next time? But the next time you’re in the same situation you forget that you were going to do better and you fall back into the same behaviour patterns?
Yeah, that’s been me.
My biggest repeat-awful-habit? Trying to ‘change’ my children’s feelings.
Do you do that too sometimes? It sounds like this:
Oh, don’t feel bad.
Don’t get your feelings hurt.
Don’t do that–you’ll hurt his/her feelings.
That’s nothing to get angry about.
Don’t worry about it.
You’ll be fine.
You’ll get over it in a minute.
Why do we do this? Are we afraid that our children can’t handle their own feelings, or is it that WE can’t handle the floods of emotions that our children often show us? Does it evoke a sadness inside of us born of our own repressed emotions?
I’ve been exploring my own inner self over the past year and I’ve discovered that I have a lot of un-expressed feelings. I grew up in a home where it was not acceptable to show strong emotion–not fear, not sadness, not confusion, not loneliness, not regret, not disappointment, not excitement, not nervousness, not pride, not love, not hurt. We were all broken and hurting and I remained that way even as I entered motherhood 8 years ago.
I believed that by ‘directing’ the feelings of my children I could create a calm and peaceful family. I wanted there to be no fighting, no disappointment, no upheaval. I wanted to ‘help’ them with their emotions by telling them to just get through them. And yet I didn’t like the results I was getting. I felt like I was shrinking inside every time I cautioned my children about their emotions. I felt guilty and tense, and the more I thought about how miserable I was making everyone, the more miserable we all became.
The truth about emotions is that they have to be released in order for healing to occur. Unexpressed emotions fester like a bad infection. To raise confident, resilient children does not mean to raise children who keep all their emotions inside. It means that we have to be confident enough to handle their emotions, help them to fully express them and then offer them the opportunity to heal within the safety of our unconditional love. Here I had been parenting my children as if I could divert them away from all my own brokenness just by telling them not to go there.
I had to develop a whole new understanding of emotions. I had to learn that emotion means ‘energy in motion’ and that the motion has to continue until it is naturally fulfilled and depleted. I had to learn about using negative emotions to find empowerment and fulfilment. I had to forgive myself for my earlier ignorance and I had to release the hurt and broken little girl inside of me and free her to express herself in all of her authenticity.
I want to share with you a story that illustrates how I’ve learned to validate and empower my children when they express strong emotions.
One night when my oldest daughter Anna (8 yrs)was getting into bed she began to cry. A lot. I asked her if she would like to tell me about her feelings and she explained that she was sad that we are going to move away from our house and that she would miss it because it’s the only home she’s ever known.
Now a typical response from me would have been, “Oh, for goodness’ sake! That’s 2 years away!” or “Is that all? Well that’s nothing to worry about! We’ll have a new house, even better than this one!”
But I didn’t. I listened and validated. I told her that I would feel sad, too. I told her that after we’ve moved whenever she feels sad she can tell me about it and we can remember all the good times that we had our house and we can share all our special memories of our family beginning and growing together at our house.
After she cried a little more and she started to calm down, I asked her if she was ready to take a few deep breaths and to blow away her tears and sadness. Then I asked to repeat some affirmations:
I am strong.
I can do the right thing for me.
I know how to take care of myself.
My heart is full of Light and Love and Truth.
I make good choices.
My family loves me.
I am safe.
The joy inside of me is mine forever.
I am important to the Earth.
I am important to my family.
I am important to me.
It was a moment of deep connection between my daughter and I and when I left the room I celebrated to myself that I had successfully validated her emotions and empowered her. I felt myself empowered and I experienced my own healing, too.
I am so grateful for this journey of motherhood that has provided the opportunity to grow and heal myself and to find my own authenticity. I cannot protect my children from hurt and sorrow as they grow–nor do I want to–but I can empower them to own and release their emotions so that they can grow up confident and resilient.
How do YOU handle strong emotions from your children?
******
Visit Hybrid Rasta Mama and the Fabulous Mama Chronicles to find out how you can participate in the next Fabulous Hybrid Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. It will be updated by 3:00pm PST on Monday. April 30th:
- Unschooling My Way To CHANGE – Patti at Canadian Unschooler discovered that Unschooling her kids was EASY compared to the bigger change required to Unschool her heart.
- Change (Variety) – Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet writes about how variety is the spice of life.
- No More Threats – Amy at Presence Parenting flips the idea of parental control through threats on its head, for good.
- Why Are You Mad??? Turn Off the T.V and Meditate – Destany of They Are All of Me discusses limiting stress by focusing more on your Inside self.
- Co-ed Sleepovers? Changing My Mindset – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama takes a hard look at her previous beliefs about sleepovers.
- Change Can Mean Puddles - Jorje of Momma Jorje has had to clean up some puddles after major changes.
- On Acceptance – Laura at Authentic Parenting writes about how she ditched the constant longing for change and came to accept herself as she is.
- Blissed Out on Birth, Drunk on Baby Skin - Melissa from Mothers of Change passionately explores the changes she would like to see come to the maternity care system, and our universal love of the smell of a newborn baby.
- Changing My Mindset, One Challenge at a Time - Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles speaks candidly about her challenges in changing how she parents.
- Because Mommy Said No - Dawn of Raising Natural Kids discusses the use of a common phrase that makes Mommy out to be the bad guy when, in reality, she is making decisions out of love.
- Through Adversity We Grow – Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children chooses to take a positive view on change and growth.
- Life is Change – Rae of Ital Livin’ writes about the large changes her family has made within the last year.constant in life.
- A Changing Voice – Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots discusses how in order to grow change is unavoidable. That does not mean the process is easy though.
- Being. Changing. Believing. – Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making It All Work reminisces on the changes that have shaped her adult life thus far, and molded her into an adaptable, but still type-A, believer in change.
- Motivating Change In The Face Of Apathy – Brenna at Almost All The Truth is asking the question many of us who actively work to change the world: how do we get people to care?
- She Changes Everything She Touches – Change is the only thing we can count on in life, and Jen in Canada examines some of the biggest things she’d like to tackle before the birth of her second child.
Lovely post, so true. No minimising, dismissing or shaming of feelings – acceptance sets us (and our children) free every time.
I’m terribly guilty of this pattern of behaviour as well; my son is 5 and sometimes has these strong storms of emotion that I have no idea how to deal with, so after a certain point things get ugly and my poor husband is left trying to deal with TWO storms insteade of one. I grew up in a house much like yours, except the only strong emotions that were expressed really were the angry ones. Thank you for this post; now I have a better idea of what to say during the next storm.
P.S I really really enjoy your blog. I found it through the carnival and spent a while last night going through older posts. Like you I believed in the public education system until I had a child of my own and opened myself to different possibilities. More than anything I wish I could afford to send my son to a Waldorf school but that’s very much out of reach for us. I know I don’t have the temperment for homeschooling or unschooling, but my husband does and is willing to try as soon as I’m making enough to allow him to be the stay at home dad he’s always wanted to be. Sadly, when that happens may be never.
This was very interesting and brought up some wonderful points! I love that you were able to recognize that you were trying to control your childrens feelings, and even more, that you looked inside to try and understand why.
I think I do this too, and I agree, sometimes it can be difficult to just let them feel when the feelings are so big! I will practice being much more mindful about this with my own children.
VERY insightful post! I want to slap myself when I say any of those things you listed. I am awful when it comes to telling my daughter not to worry about something. It is my default response to anything she seems concerned about. And it is not a good one!
It is certainly no one’s right or responsibility to change the feelings of another. Parents like to feel in control and as you discussed try to avoid dealing with the emotional outpouring that may result from a difficult moment.
I do my best to hold the space for my daughter to feel whatever she needs to feel. Your example with your daughter has some really great ideas and techniques to do this more effectively. Thank you so much for sharing that moment with your daughter. I think we can all learn a lesson in how to better embrace our children’s emotional needs!
What an incredible post! Thank you~what a beautiful story of change and growth, and how our children teach us as much (or more) than we teach them, every day. I love how my kids have helped me to grow, and especially to heal from things in my earlier life. =) Beautiful post, thanks so much!
Thank you for sharing this. I love the affirmations you did with your daughter. My son is very passionate and carries some heavy emotions around with him. I often find myself trying to change his feelings. I think he (and I) will benefit from this! Again, thank you!
Thank you, Patti, for this thoughtful piece with the illustrated examples.
Embracing emotion for the gift that it is has and continues to be part of my journey as well. I now regard emotion as a signal from the spirit of truth at the base of our being. And even then, there are still times when I do not want my children to suffer. The thing is, as you said, stuffing and diverting from sorrowful emotions makes them more intense, more apt to actually cause suffering. There is a difference between experiencing pain and suffering. Pain *is* a part of life and although we’d like to protect them from all of it, we cannot. That’s a big one to swallow, especially for passionate parents who want their kids to experience innate well being and joy.
We embrace a similar approach. In learning to honor emotion as a signal, it becomes easier to let it sift through, attend to the thoughts that accompany it, and to simply be with the kids as they express. As I honor emotion in myself, I can honor it with the kids and be a space for it’s resolution, or release as you called it.
It’s a process and one very worth while. Emotional intelligence is most likely the most valuable type of intelligence one can master. I have enjoyed the work of Aletha Solter and Eckhart Tolle in learning to be with emotions in new, refreshing ways.
“Here I had been parenting my children as if I could divert them away from all my own brokenness just by telling them not to go there.”
Everything you have described is ‘me’ and I have also grown up in a household that denied all emotions as well. I find it difficult now to process or handle my son’s raw emotions because I have no idea how to do so myself. It is a learning experience to validate and support instead of discourage and ignore the feelings that make me uncomfortable. I want a better relationship with my son than the model I was given and that takes conscious effort. This post illustrates this process beautifully!
I have a 13yo that lost her father a year ago and a 2yo that has been through a lot of changes in the last year, not the least of which was welcoming a new baby brother as well as her big sister into the mix.
For my 13yo, I try to hear her out and be understanding. It can be tough considering her father and I were divorced. I’ve lost a parent, but only as an adult. I can not pretend to fully comprehend her position.
For my 2yo, I try to hear her out and be understanding (sense a theme?). It can be tough because… well because her emotions are overwhelming to her and larger than life. The overwhelm us as well. We definitely have room for improvement.