It’s my opinion and experience  that children are not naturally selfish but that they learn selfishness from adults.   I try hard to be generous in ways that my children can see, not for accolades and glory, but to show them that there are many ways to be generous.  For example, whenever a mom in our neighbourhood has a new baby, we bring them a meal or some baking.  I also gave all my maternity clothes to a Teen Pregnancy Centre rather than trying to sell them on Craigslist.  I’m no hero;  I just try to do what I can with the time, energy and resources that I have at my disposal.

Being generous to children is not about giving them everything that they ask for, but more about sharing authentically with them.   I can’t assign an arbitrary value to their worth in the family, or say that a 7-year-old deserves more money than a 5-year-old or expect them to work for their money.  Our income has already been worked for, so no one should have to work for it a second time.  

As such, we give our children each an equal share of whatever discretionary money exists.  When our insurance company reimburses us for prescription drugs, we divide it up equally.  When I sell something on Craigslist, I share my earnings.  We call it ‘pocket money’ or ‘spending money’.  What’s ours is theirs.  We’re all in this together.

Responsibility

We have a finite amount of money that we as a family are all responsible for spending and saving.  If we all got everything we wanted all the time, we would soon be in extreme debt.  If we tried to save every penny, we would end up eating really unhealthily.  So it’s a balance and we all bring our own priorities to assigning how our money will be spent.

We try to model responsible spending habits and our children are well aware of the choices we make to live the lifestyle we’ve chosen.  We don’t think that having responsible spending habits is the same as hoarding money or going without things that we really enjoy just because ‘austerity’ seems to be in fashion.  Instead, we let our children have a say in how our money gets spent:  they choose food at the grocery store, they help us plan vacations, they pick which places we want to buy annual memberships for.

Quality Purchases

If your child’s income is limited to a dollar or two per week (or a dollar per year of age, as many people suggest is ‘appropriate’), it is very hard for your child to ever make substantial purchases.  I personally hate the cheap crap at dollar stores and I don’t take my children there.  I want them to value quality and usefulness over quantity and trendiness.

Imagine a young adult earning an income of $20,000 who is responsible for all her living expenses and is trying to save money for a car.  She’s going to buy the cheapest car she can afford, even if it isn’t reliable.  But imagine how just a 25% increase in her income could dramatically improve her choices! 

This is the theory behind why I give my children a generous portion of our discretionary money.  I have seen that when they have cheap crayons and paper that they lose interest in drawing.  I have seen that when they have poorly sewn stuffed animals, they don’t take care of them.  They naturally prefer higher quality items, and I don’t want them to spend their money on inexpensive poorly-made toys just to get a few moments of happiness.  These are partly my values, but also what I have seen is their natural approach to their possessions.

I don’t consider this attitude toward owning quality items to be snobbish or to create entitlement.  On the contrary, it makes them very good stewards of their money and their property.  What they own is worth something to them so they take good care of their possessions.

Accountability

Can you imagine if a friend gave you a gift certificate to your favourite restaurant and then insisted on telling you what you were and were not allowed to eat there?  Kind of crazy, eh?  Well, I’m sure that you get my point which is that I don’t tell my children how to spend their money.  They don’t have to be accountable to me for every dollar.

However, I do tell them that certain expenses are their own responsibilities.  For example, if they want to buy something for each other for a birthday or Christmas, it comes out of their own spending money.  Additionally, if they want new craft supplies in between birthdays or Christmas, they must buy them themselves.  This helps them to learn to ‘budget’ their consumables (such as paper and glue sticks).  It also makes their acts of generosity entirely genuine (since I don’t really consider that they bought each other some gifts unless they pay for them).

How much?

You want to know, don’t you?

When we remember, we give them each $5/week.  We also give them $5 for each tooth that falls out.  And $40 at birthdays (in addition to gifts).   There are also occasional bonuses:  last spring I had a yard sale and I gave them each 20% of my revenue.  And when I sell something big (like a stroller) on Craigslist, then I share the money with everyone.

So how do you handle giving your kids money?

1. Am I asking my child to change her behaviour because I am afraid of what other people will think of me?  I ask myself this question a lot.  I admit that I care what other people think of me as a mother, but I care what my children think of me as a mother more.  If I let her do things her way, I have to let go of my concern about the judgements of others.

2. Is there irrevocable harm or imminent danger in letting her make her own choice?  There are definitely times when children want to do things that they can’t, but those times don’t seem to happen very often at our house.  I have helped little girls to use sharp knives and to handle a hot glue gun.  In fact, I have found that most activities that my children want to do are within an acceptable level of risk.  If they want to try something, they are probably capable of handling it.

3. Is there a precedent?  In this case, there was.  Jazzy has previously been outside and felt cold and came in to ask for warmer mitts or a hat.  I knew that day that if she was cold, she would let me know or she would just come in.

4. Is it contrary to the values the child has previously demonstrated?  This question may not apply to all circumstances.  But for example, if my very safety-oriented daughter Anna suddenly wanted to start a fire I would offer her a lot of assistance and supervision.  In this case, Jazzy values Freedom and Joy and her actions demonstrated that.

Welcome to the Fabulous Hybrid Blog Carnival. Our topic this spring is Change! This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Blog Carnival hosted by The Fabulous Mama Chronicles and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on change in all of its many forms. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

You know how whenever you have an awful moment in parenting–you yelled instead of consoled, you rushed instead of listened, you served hotdogs instead of cauliflower–you beat yourself up and vow to do better next time?  But the next time you’re in the same situation you forget that you were going to do better and you fall back into the same behaviour patterns?

Do you do that too sometimes?  It sounds like this:

Visit Hybrid Rasta Mama and the Fabulous Mama Chronicles to find out how you can participate in the next Fabulous Hybrid Carnival!

• Unschooling My Way To CHANGE – Patti at Canadian Unschooler discovered that Unschooling her kids was EASY compared to the bigger change required to Unschool her heart.
• Change (Variety) – Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet writes about how variety is the spice of life.
• No More Threats – Amy at Presence Parenting flips the idea of parental control through threats on its head, for good.
• Why Are You Mad??? Turn Off the T.V and Meditate – Destany of They Are All of Me discusses limiting stress by focusing more on your Inside self.
• Co-ed Sleepovers?  Changing My Mindset – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama takes a hard look at her previous beliefs about sleepovers.
• Change Can Mean Puddles - Jorje of Momma Jorje has had to clean up some puddles after major changes.
• On Acceptance – Laura at Authentic Parenting writes about how she ditched the constant longing for change and came to accept herself as she is.
• Blissed Out on Birth, Drunk on Baby Skin - Melissa from Mothers of Change passionately explores the changes she would like to see come to the maternity care system, and our universal love of the smell of a newborn baby.
• Changing My Mindset, One Challenge at a Time - Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles speaks candidly about her challenges in changing how she parents.
• Because Mommy Said No - Dawn of Raising Natural Kids discusses the use of a common phrase that makes Mommy out to be the bad guy when, in reality, she is making decisions out of love.
• Through Adversity We Grow – Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children chooses to take a positive view on change and growth.
• Life is Change – Rae of Ital Livin’ writes about the large changes her family has made within the last year.constant in life.
• A Changing Voice – Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots discusses how in order to grow change is unavoidable.  That does not mean the process is easy though.
• Being. Changing. Believing. – Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making It All Work reminisces on the changes that have shaped her adult life thus far, and molded her into an adaptable, but still type-A, believer in change.
• Motivating Change In The Face Of Apathy – Brenna at Almost All The Truth is asking the question many of us who actively work to change the world: how do we get people to care?
• She Changes Everything She Touches – Change is the only thing we can count on in life, and Jen in Canada examines some of the biggest things she’d like to tackle before the birth of her second child.

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Welcome to the Earth Day Blog Carnival
This post is part of the 2012 Earth Day Blog Carnival hosted by Child of the Nature Isle and Monkey Butt Junction. Each participant has shared their practices and insights of earth friendly, environmentally conscious, eco-living. This carnival is our way to share positive information and inspiration that can create healing for our planet. Please read to the end of this post to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. Happy Earth Day!

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One of the most amazing aspects of my journey into Unschooling with my 4 children has been how I’ve learned how to tune into my own needs and beliefs.  Watching my children grow and learn as truly authentic beings, unfettered by external expectations and uninterrupted by artificial schedules and deadlines, has awakened in me a desire to find my own true authentic self and to feed my own needs, desires and experiences.

A primary way that this has happened for me has been in my experience of nature and the Earth.  I’ve developed a deeply spiritual relationship with the Earth, the sun and the sky and I have learned a lot about myself through opening my mind and my soul to the teachings of the Universe.

Like your children probably, my children (ages 8, 6, 4 and 1) experience a natural kinship to the Earth.  They soak in the sun, revel in the dirt and shout with the voices of the wind.  This, I believe, is a natural part of their existence as Children of the Earth.  But I also believe that my role as an Unschooling Parent is to protect what is naturally their birthright:  a genuine and joy and appreciation for all that the Earth offers us.

Here is my list of ways to foster a natural connection to all that is natural:

1. Embrace messiness.  If you allow children to experience the glories of the Earth on their own terms, things are going to get messy.  Learn to love it, and don’t send them out to play in the same clothes they might wear to a birthday party!  I often ask my children if mud has been calling their names.
2. Let go of your expectations.  You gathered up a huge pile of pine cones and you thought that your children might build a castle out of them.  Instead they are using sticks to hit them over the neighbour’s garage.  It behoves us as the parents to just step back and let the children play, laugh and grow according to their own styles.
3. Be aware of your privilege.  When my children are running water into their little pool or when we’ve replaced their broken sandals for the third time in one summer, I am enormously aware of the privilege I possess.  We live where the water is not only clean and plentiful, but also FREE.  We have enough money to fund their outdoor pursuits.  We feel completely safe to be outdoors in any season at any time of day.  Our Earthly life is one of abundance and fortuitous privilege and we try never to forget that.
4. Speak of the Earth as a living thing with whom we share an important relationship.  I tell my children every night “You are a Child of the Earth.”  Sometimes I ask them to repeat it with me.  I try to show them and teach them that we are in a relationship with Earth.  I tell them that WE belong to IT, not that IT belongs to US.
5. Strike the words “Be careful!” from your vocabulary. Nothing will thwart your child’s love of the Earth more than constant warnings that it is a dangerous place!   Everything is NOT dangerous. We are so conditioned as parents to be constantly protecting our children and warning them about possible danger that it wrecks their enjoyment of being outdoors.
   Imagine that you sit down at the end of the day with a glass of wine and your Partner says “Be careful. You know, alcohol is just a lot of extra calories” or “Be careful. You could become an alcoholic.” Wouldn’t you be annoyed? And wouldn’t it wreck your enjoyment of your little treat?
   Yet we give warnings to our children all the time, even when the potential risk of injury is very small. It is so much better to let our children learn to trust themselves and teach them how to assess the risk in a situation. Children are usually pretty good at determining for themselves whether or not they can handle a particular activity and the potential pain of an injury. Let’s try to lean into TRUST just a little more
6. Make time.  Don’t go to the playground if you have to rush home in 20 minutes.  Let dinner be later or bring muffins and apples and a bottle of water.  Time spent in Nature is like time spent with a new lover–it must be savoured and every minute is special and meant to be remembered.  Get out there OFTEN and make it last until the kids ask to go home.
7. Dress appropriately. Stock up on mittens, rain boots, rain coats, umbrellas (good for rain OR sun) and swimsuits. I’ve discovered that even on a tight budget, these items are often available for just a few dollars at Thrift Stores or Warehouse Sales. Don’t wait for the weather to change–get the appropriate clothing in advance.
   And don’t forget to prepare yourself, too! Have you heard the expression “There’s no such thing as BAD weather, only BAD clothing.” It’s true you know. It’s not fair to your children when they are enjoying their time outdoors but they have to leave because YOU are too cold or too hot or too thirsty or too wet.
8. Bring necessary provisions.  Water.  Snacks.  A chair for you if necessary.  Dry shoes possibly.  Extra underpants.  Whatever is going to make the time go smoothly and seamlessly.
9. Sing and celebrate.  There are so many wonderful songs to sing about Nature and the Earth.  One of my favourites was sung to me by my father:  I see the Moon and the Moon sees me, Down through the leaves of the maple tree.  Oh, may the Moon that shines on me shine on the ones I love.  Make up your own songs or re-write popular songs to suit your beliefs and values. Our favourite re-written song is to the tune of ‘Morning Has Broken’, as popularized by the singer Cat Stevens.
   

   You are the Sunlight.  You are a dewdrop.
   You are the fragrance of every flower.
   You are the breeze on a hot summer evening.
   You are a bird song.  You are my child.

   You are the full moon.  You are the first frost.
   You are a golden leaf in the Fall.
   You are a pebble worn smooth by the ocean.
   You are a rainbow.  You are my child.

   You are the sunrise.  You are the sunset.
   You are a spider’s web in the dark.
   You are a wisp of cloud in a blue sky.
   You are forever.  You are my child.

10. Be immensely grateful.  Oh, you can do this!  As I sit with my children before they fall asleep, I often list the many things I am grateful for.  I list things about my children, things about my Partner-Guy, things about the Earth, things about me.  I list unexpected things, like how I am grateful for the raccoons who dump out our garbage bins on a regular basis because they give me a reason to go outside while the dew is still on the ground when I clean up the mess.  It is EASY to be grateful if we just open our minds to how wonderful our home on Earth is.

You know, Unschooling is not just for kids.  Being part of this journey with my children has opened my mind and my heart to connection and awareness that I never before even knew was possible.

Is the Earth inspiring your Self-Awareness and Spirituality?  I’d love to learn from you!

Thank you for stopping by the 2012 Earth Day Blog Carnival! Please check out some of these great posts:

• You are a Child of the Earth – Using the Earth as their classroom, Patti from Canadian Unschooler teaches her 4 children their spiritual connection to the Earth and she accepts that loving the Earth can get really, really messy.
• Cutting Out Paper – Jorje of Momma Jorje shares how she went from curiosity and concern to actually cutting out the use of paper towels in her household. She is proud to be “greener” as each Earth Day passes.
• The World is Brown – Debra Ann Elliot of Words are Timeless believes in keeping the Earth green, but because so many people inhabit the Earth it is turning brown because people aren’t doing their part by reducing, reusing, and recycling.
• 7 Child And Eco Friendly Activities To Honor The Earth (Plus Some Environmental Books For Kids) – Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her favorite books that help children become more aware of the importance of respecting and caring for Mother Earth. In addition, she hosts a guest post outlining seven child and eco friendly activities to honor the earth.
• 5 Ways We Teach Our Children To Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle – Valarie at Momma In Progress shares a few tips for encouraging young children to care for the earth.
• Little Changes – Big Results – Meegs at A New Day talks about how sometimes it’s the little decisions and changes that can lead us to find big results, and how she’s baby-stepping her way to a more environmentally conscious lifestyle.
• Inspiring the Next Generation – aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings hopes to inspire her daughter to live a green and sustainable lifestyle, in the same way she was inspired by her high-school science teacher, and talks about the changes her family are making towards this vision.
• Eco-Friendly Cleansers: Safe For the Environment, Healthy For Every Body – Rebekah at Liberated Family writes about safe and natural alternatives to toxic, household cleaning products..
• Lightening My Footprint with Cloth Nappies (Diapers) – Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares the biggest eco-choice she has made so far, and why she is so passionate about it.
• Clutter Free for a Cause – At Living Peacefully with Children Mandy’s penchant for decluttering and simple living cuts down on consumerism, taking less of a tole on the Earth.
• Eco-Parenting: Homemade Bug Spray – Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares a homemade bug spray recipe that helps her family to enjoy the natural world while taking precautions against bug bites.
• Let the Scales Fall From My Eyes…Just Not Too Quickly – Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about the discomfort of no longer being able to live in denial over how her choices affect the world around her.
• Post Title – Justine at The Lone Home Ranger instills a love of nature in her daughters by embarking on their first backyard vegetable garden together.
• Being in Nature – Carrie at Love Notes Mama knows that just being in nature is more than enough.
• 5 Ways to Pass Down Environmental Values to Your Children – Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares how easy it can be to instill environmental values in your children.
• Viva Portlandia – Amy at Anktangle writes about the place she lives and loves in: Portland. She describes the ways this green city makes it easy for her family to take care of our earth, and also the steps she’s taking to further lessen her family’s environmental impact.
• Conspicuous Conservationism – Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction examines the phenomenon of eco-conscious behavior as a status symbol.

A big thank you to all of the 2012 Earth Day Blog Carnival participants!

This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have challenges they’ve set for themselves toward becoming more mindful. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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My approach to unschooling my children has given me plenty of opportunity to unschool and deschool myself.  I believe in becoming constantly more self-aware and in conducting myself–even my very mundane day-to-day activities–with intention and meaning.

• I don’t care. This has been my regular response to a multitude of questions ranging from “Mom, can we have ice cream?” to “Do you want me to make tea?” It implies a disinterest in my self and in my relationships.  When an question can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, then at the very least I will stick with ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  But I will consciously aim for a real response like ‘That would be lovely’ or ‘Would you prefer now or later?’
• It doesn’t matter. Really, Patti? Things don’t matter?  Well, sometimes there are things that don’t matter, like “Mom, should I wear red socks or yellow?”  But if someone is asking me a question, they are expecting a real answer to something that matters to them.  They deserve a respectful answer.  Similarly, if something should happen that is of no consequence to me, such as a broken plate, I will try to respond to the situation with something positive, such as ‘Oh, well.  Good thing we have lots of other plates.  Mistakes happen sometimes and people are more important than things.’
• It’s up to you. A better answer would be “I trust you to make the best choice for you.”
• Whatever. Will you let me be ashamed of how often I say this? No more.  It is so dismissive and condescending.  My intention for my relationships is to show that I am engaged and open, and the use of ‘whatever’, even in response to forgetting my own sunglasses or being late for an appointment implies that I am not fully accepting myself.  I must use better intention in my relationship with my own spirit and treat myself with respect, too.
• I can’t. Until recently, my negative self-talk had me believing that everything was always hard and that I didn’t deserve to have anything turn out well. No more! I am on a new positive streak where happiness, success and peace are always attainable. Life is too short and too good to be stuck in negativity anymore.  I CAN, and I WILL.  Life is happening FOR me, not TO me.
• We’ll see. I think my children need a more definite answer about decisions I have to make. A better answer would be “I need to think about what will be best for all of us before I decide. What do you think?”

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Do you have expressions that you need to strike from your vocabulary?

Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• The Importance of a Moment Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama reflects on the need to slow down and breathe in life instead of rushing from one moment to the next.
• Mindful Playing With My Daughters Rani at Om She Said looked at her girls and realized that more than anything they wanted her right there next to them, playing, laughing, creating, and having fun; that’s exactly what she did!
• Watch Your Words Patti at Canadian Unschooler challenges herself to make her words a reflection of her intentions.
• The Mindful Benefits of Knitting Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares how knitting has helped lift her out of depression and has given her a new form of meditation.
• Self Compassion: How Thinking About Bad Experiences Can Make You Happier and More Compassionate CJ at Imperfect Happiness challenges herself to be more compassionate…with herself.
• Calming the Home Environment by Selecting Traditional Toys Sam at Love Parenting discusses the benefits of natural toys.
• Quieting my Infernal Inner Ramblings Tree at Mom Grooves writes about her commitment to get out of her head and into the moment with her daughter and husband.
• Changing Our Everyday The Aniweda Dream is sizing up the changes they’ve made by moving across the country and looking at how to make their lives more mindful as a family.
• A Mindful Cup of Tea Amy at The Daily Muttering tells how she’s trying to regain control of her life with the chaos of 3 kids thanks to the introduction of a simple daily ritual.
• Mindful Mama Moontime Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares how becoming conscious of her moon time has helped her find balance in herself as a woman, and a mama.
• Speaking to the Need Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares how she tries to stay mindful of her preschooler’s needs.
• Going Within Amy at Anktangle describes a centering practice she’s been being more intentional about lately, and which she has come to realize is a precious gift in her life.
• Waking Up With Meditation Amy at PresenceParents shares how awakening with presence carries her through the day.
• Mindful Meditations Zoie at TouchstoneZ explores six weeks of seated meditation and discovers some things she doesn’t expect.
• Mindfulness in the Kitchen – an Everyday Challenge Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she’s been challenging herself to involve more mindfulness in everyday tasks – especially in the area of cooking for her family.