Everyday I try to meditate or focus my thoughts on 3 areas:

• I’m learning…
• I’m creating…
• I’m grateful for…

I tried to just stay with those words to see what they would mean to me, and as I rested with them I felt an amazing sense of peace. I felt the burden of twenty un-done tasks melt away. I felt the guilt from a thousand impatient words fade into nothingness. I felt tremendously hopeful about our future as a family and about my deepening consciousness as a mother, a woman and a Child of the Earth.

This is my Holiday message to all mothers who approach parenting with consciousness:

Self-care is not Selfishness.

The biggest lesson that I learned in 2012 is that when I put everyone’s needs ahead of mine I will never find happiness.  When I sacrifice my joy to bring someone else joy, I have done it wrong.  When I say “yes” but inside I am screaming “NO!”, I am not helping anyone.  When I listen to what other people want from me instead of listening to and serving my authentic needs and desires, I will be miserable and my relationships will suffer.

This is what I have learned and this is what I want all the other would-be mother-martyrs to hear and absorb.

When you take care of yourself, you are more able to care for others.

I don’t know if it was the Christian tradition that I was raised in or whether it was my own mother’s unique way of always serving others or whether it was a mainstream culture that doesn’t value authenticity, but somewhere along the line I internalized as one my deepest beliefs that I should always do what other people want me to do even if it goes against what is best for me.  I was easily guilted into helping others when in fact I was allowing myself to be the solution to their problems.  I was sacrificing my own goals, values and passions because I thought that it would be too selfish to do my own thing rather than assisting others in their goals.

I brought these beliefs to mothering and it didn’t take long for me to begin to feel lost, sad and resentful.  I thought that being a ‘good’ attachment-parenting mother meant always putting the child’s needs first.  It took me a long time to realize that when I am not acknowledging and meeting my own needs that I have little energy and love in my reserves for meeting the needs of my children.

A Mother’s needs are as important as a Child’s needs.

It wouldn’t surprise me if you have needs that you are ignoring in the name of doing the *right* thing for everyone else.

• Maybe you need to take better physical care of your body by eating better or sleeping more or taking the time to put on make-up or by telling yourself that you are worthy enough to spend money on a new hair style.
• Maybe you need to say *No* to some of the friends and relatives who have expectations for how they think you should be spending your time and energy.
• Maybe you need to end the pattern of sacrifice that you have created in your family and instead live by the values you really believe:  If you value Health, then that includes you too, not just your children.  If you value Compassion, then be compassionate to yourself instead of being your harshest critic.  If you value Freedom, then you must not lock yourself into old patterns of behaviour.  If you value Learning, then you must allow yourself to learn how to identify and take care of your own needs.  If you value Love, then love yourself.

You are an amazing woman, deserving to live your best life.

I can’t create a fabulous life for my children when I am too tired, too resentful and too overwhelmed.  I can only meet their needs when I am not running on empty.  The same goes for you.

I invite you to make this Holiday season a Season of Loving Yourself.

Put yourself on your list of priorities, and just watch how all of your relationships fill with joy and connection.  If there are people who don’t understand your choice to value yourself, you don’t have to justify anything:  they will learn (or not) their own lessons in authenticity and self-care when they are ready.

I wish you all great Joy.

May you experience the Power and Freedom of Authenticity.

Love,

Patti

You believe in living a life of Freedom and Joy, right?  But you’re not always feeling it, are you?

Me neither.

I have lots of moments–sometimes whole days!–when I let restrictions and negativity get in the way of my Freedom and Joy.  I’m still learning how to come back to what I value.  Maybe these simple thoughts can help you too.

1. Listen to your body.  Recently I started to DREAD reading to my daughters at bedtime.  Everytime they would ask I would cringe.  I couldn’t figure out why I had started to dislike what used to be one of my favourite activities.  So one night I read to them while deliberately turning my attention to what was making me so resentful.  Halfway through the book I figured it out:  I was tired.  My eyes and my brain and my body were simply too tired to make sense of the words on the page.  I explained this to my children and now we spend extra time in the dark just talking and cuddling and telling stories.  It is much more peaceful for me, and I have regained Freedom and Joy at bedtime.
2. Find and dispel the fear that is holding you back.  I have days when it seems like all I say is ‘NO’.  No, don’t do that.  No, I’m not doing that.  No, not right now.  No, I don’t want to.  No, you can’t have that.  No, I’m done.  Sometimes ‘NO’ comes out because of laziness or busy-ness.  But sometimes it simply comes out without any thought because a pre-existing fear makes ‘NO’ the standard answer.  For example, last week I was in the house dressing my my 2-year-old son to play outside when my 8-year-old daughter called in through the front door, “Mom!  The ball went across the street.  Can I go get it?”  I was about to say ‘NO’ when I caught myself and instead I looked for my fear.  Was I afraid for her safety?  Of course not!  She has crossed our street many times on her own when I was outside.  I was afraid of what the neighbours would think if they saw her out by herself.  So I said ‘YES!’.  I dispelled the fear when I realized that it was actually much smaller than my trust in my daughter.  P.S.  We don’t live on a busy street.
3. Look for a connection with another person.  Sometimes making a constant effort to create, sustain and develop connections with certain people can leave me feeling empty or disconnected from other relationships.  Reaching out to my Partner or a friend is sometimes just what I need to feel refreshed and renewed.  I also try to include a little bit of one-on-one time for each child to assess if there is someone with whom I feel the need to create a deeper connection.  Even a few minutes is often enough to renew my spirit.
4. Let go of your old story.  Recently I became totally embittered towards Partner-Guy while my old story of how I don’t deserve anything good and Nobody understands me replayed in my head.  It took me several days to realize that I had fallen into an old pattern of beliefs that had nothing to do with him.  When I stopped believing my old story I was able to see that he was the same guy he had always been and that he wasn’t trying to wreck my life after all.  Amazing!
5. Give yourself a change.  Do your routines and obligations sometimes make you tired and bored?  Did you used to enjoy an activity that has become just another chore?  Change it up.  For example, this spring I started buying the groceries after 7 years of leaving the job to Partner-Guy.  He’s happy to avoid the hassle and I’m happy to get out of the house. 

Freedom and Joy is usually hiding around the corner and if I will just move out of whatever rut, routine, story or comfort-zone that I have built myself into, I can usually find it back.

What do you do to recharge when the daily grind has zapped your Freedom and Joy?

There is nothing like the newborn babe. Unwashed. Fresh from within. Pure. Innocent. A changed world.

My most delicious memories of my daughters and son are of meeting their needs in the middle of the night during their early days and hours. In the darkness I feel like the babe and I are one person, and like we are the only two people in the world.  Sometimes I feel like we are every mother and baby in the whole world. In those moments I feel completely competent, completely alive, that living is synonymous with loving.

When Holly (now nearly 7 years old) was just a few hours old, I was laying in East General Hospital at 4 in the morning. Partner-Guy had gone home and I was reviewing the previous 2 hours and how we had unexpectedly ended up in the hospital after planning a homebirth. The birth had been traumatic for me–she had nearly arrived in an ambulance, and once in the hospital there were doctors, nurses and paramedics all yelling at me to do the exact opposite of what I knew was natural and good–but for little Holly it had been natural and good. In the darkness of that moment, as the snow fell on a quiet city, I felt like the most powerful woman in the world. If a lion had come into that hospital room I could have torn it limb from limb (and I’m sure that the attending doctor knew I was capable of it!!) That too was a defining moment for me.

Jasmine (now nearly 5 years old) was born at home, and it was not until she was a few weeks old when I was sitting in the rocking chair in the quiet darkness of the living room one night that I felt complete peace. I don’t think I had ever thought much about the meaning or feeling of peace before that moment. I had had such a history of anger and resentment in my life that the concept of peace was not even on my radar. That moment of peace with my tiny little Jasmine brought me to a place of forgiveness, another great lesson to make me a better person and a better mother.

Julian’s birth (28 months ago) brought me to my knees:  he was perfect in every way except that I wasn’t confident that I could raise a boy!  His presence forced me to surrender all my preconceived ideas and expectations of myself and my children.  His tender need for my love taught me how to let it all go.  I was able to welcome the freedom of loving him as I released the old idea that I needed someone other than him to love.

Julian, about 10 hours after his birth

Because of these moments of awe I know that there will (someday) be another newborn in my life. It just seems like I have so much more to learn from my children.

P.S.  Dear Friends:  I’ve been gone from here for a while I figured out some new things going on in my family.  A lower online profile was an essential part of this transition.  I look forward to more regular contact with you again!

Will you turn on your imagination for me for a minute?

Imagine that your husband is really, really afraid of needles.  Not only will he never get the flu shot, he is terrified of having to give blood for a blood test.  You’re worried that his fear is going to have a negative impact on his health.  So you decide that the way to alleviate his fear (not that he asked you to get involved) is to go to blood donor clinics all over your city.  You think, Not only will the regular exposure to needles help him with his fear of needles, but he will be doing something good at the same time!  Not surprisingly, your husband resents what you are making him do.  He goes along with it because he feels powerless in the face of your determination.  It becomes easier to deal with the needle, but he still hates it and now there is a distance in your relationship with him that wasn’t there before.  Nevertheless, you consider the experiment to be an success.  To ensure further success, you continue to make him attend blood donor clinics.

Imagine that your mother, who is getting older but still lives independently, is starting to resist attending family events.  When you visit her, she is happy to see you and enjoys a lively conversation, but if too many people visit at the same time, she becomes withdrawn or sometimes argumentative.  You decide that she needs MORE exposure to groups of people in order to get over her anti-social behaviour.  You arrange family dinners with your siblings, you take her to a resort with your children for a week, and you host a big birthday party for her in a restaurant.  There, she yells at you and you feel embarrassed.  The next week you bring her to a neighbourhood BBQ and she sits in her lawnchair and cries.

Imagine that your brother is a smoker.  You buy him a pack of cigarettes, and when he lights one up you tell him that he should stop smoking because it is bad.  He says that he will stop.  The next time you see him, you buy him a pack of cigarettes, but this time, before giving them to him, you tell him that smoking is bad.  Then he lights one up.  The next time, you tell him that smoking is bad and that he should stop smoking BEFORE you give him the cigarettes.  He waits a while, then lights one up.  Now you tell him that you will stop buying him cigarettes unless he stops smoking.  He is angry and begs incessantly for the cigarettes.  You give him the pack and tell him again to stop smoking.  He lights up a cigarette.

Do you find these stories to be ridiculous and unrealistic?  They are exactly the way that mainstream culture teaches us to treat our children.

In the first scenario, it is the same as sending a child to school who doesn’t want to go.

In the second scenario, it is the same as expecting an introverted child to constantly ‘be a friend’ and get along with a diverse group of children all day, every day.

In the third scenario, it is the same as having a child who grabs or hits or swears when with other kids, and you repeatedly tell him/her to stop and then you keep sending him/her into groups of other children.

Dear Mothers and Fathers, isn’t it time to stop letting school get in the way of our relationships with our children?  Isn’t it time to stop the great school experiment of behaviour modification?

School will not fix your child.  It is an experiment in conformity.  Children who exhibit what many adults call “anti-social behaviour” will probably display even greater anxiety, withdrawal or aggression in a situation over which they have no control and little emotional connection to those around them.   I just don’t understand when a parent says that they hope school will teach their child self-control or ‘help him come out of his shell’ or ‘improve her social skills’.  What are they really saying?

Do you know what ALWAYS works to modify the distressed behaviours of our children?

Love.

Kindness and Patience.

Empathy, Validation and Empowerment.

Attention.

Connection.

Time.

Sometimes a parent will notice a change or improvement in a child’s behaviour after attending school for a period of time.  Perhaps we could just observe that maturity evolved naturally over that time, rather than assuming that school was a magic medicine?

Who is more capable of giving love, kindness, patience, empathy, validation, empowerment, attention, connection and time?  The parent of one, two, three or four children or the teacher of twenty-five?  And do you want your child’s anxiety, withdrawal or aggression to be erased by control, punishment and repetition or to be eased through love, attention and patience?

Parents, it is no secret that school is not the magic elixir to ‘fix’ your child.

I choose to give love, attention and patience to my children.  I am not trying to FIX them, only to FLOW with them in a life of Freedom and Joy.

Are you ready to give up on school and start a fresh connection with your child?